


What A Mom Is

by TylerM



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alive Mary Winchester, Brother Feels, Brotherhood, Dean Is Mom, Embarrassment, Family, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Little Brother Sam, Mommy Issues, Parent Mary Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Season/Series 12, What A Mom Is To Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 18:48:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8907832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TylerM/pseuds/TylerM
Summary: Mom is an interesting word, particularly for Sam because technically he's never actually had one. Not one that he remembers at least... To Sam Mom means a lot of things. Unfortunately, when she comes back 30 years later, Mary Winchester isn't actually in that definition. Not this Mary Winchester at least. To Sam, Mom is more of an abstract concept. She's this ideal that he imagines what she would be, constructed from varies stories his dad and Dean told him, and what mothers on TV are like. 
- Or the one I wrote explaining Sams feels about his Mom when she comes back in Season 12, but to Sam Mom pretty much means Dean.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if people don't read Supernatural fics anymore (unlikely) or my last one was just pretty stupid (more then likely). Anyway this is a bit different, and set in season 12 (because I LOVE the fact Marys back, LOVE LOVE LOVE). I wanted to see some more family conflict, basically with Sam not really having a Mom but having, a well Dean. It's just a little ficlet mainly, and I know in the show Sam seems to be coping quite well. But in this he's struggling a bit more.  
> I hope you enjoy :)

Mom is an interesting word, particularly for Sam because _technically_ he's never actually had one. Not one that he remembers at least.

Not a mom like Dean had until he was four, where he still remembers bits and pieces of her. Someone to bake him pie, someone to tuck him in at night, someone to sing him lullabies. He knows a lot of what Dean remembers of her is probably his imagination making up for it, holding on to that piece of _Mom_ he refuses to let go, but Sam doesn't even have a placebo memory of her he can run with.

No, to Sam _Mom_ means a lot of things.

Unfortunately, when she comes back 30 years later, Mary Winchester isn't actually in that definition.

Not _this_ Mary Winchester at least.

To Sam, _Mom_ is more of an abstract concept. She's this ideal that he imagines what she would be, constructed from varies stories his dad and Dean told him, and what mothers on TV are like.

_Mom_ is this perfect blonde haired woman who sings to him at night when he can't sleep, sits by his bed and reads him bedtime stories, even when he's maybe that tiny bit too old and Dean lightly makes fun of him from the hallway. Before Mary scolds him gently and tells him to get his big butt in here, and they sit together on the bed and listen to her soothing, calming voice that easily sets them at peace. _Mom_ is the person who makes him fell safe and comforted, even though he has no actual concept of her, he prays to her at night and imagines a life without Demons if she had lived and the yellow eyed demon hadn't.

_Mom_ , is the person who comes to him in dreams when him and Dean have had a fight, or when the latest demon takes a victim that he can't save. She tells him that it's not his fault, and that she's proud of him. She appears in his dreams in his darkest times, even when he was facing Hell and when Dean was in purgatory. She even had a vivid argument with Lucifer once, telling him to back off and let her baby boy sleep. Despite Lucifer giving him shit about it weeks after, it had worked.

_Mom_ , while being the one thing that brings him comfort, is also one who plagues his nightmares. _Mom_ visits him when he's a failure, when _Charlie, Kevin, Mrs Trap, Bobby, El, Jo_ deaths are all on his head and reminds him that all of _this is his fault._ She's there when he can't sleep because Dean is ashamed by his actions. She yells and screams and reiterates all the bad thoughts Sam's ever had. Then she burns and screams and she's hotter than anything Sam's every imagined and it hurts to look at her, attached to the roof and she changes into all the people he failed to save.

Sam has a complicated relationship with the _Mom_ in his head.

_Mom_ also tends to be all the people Sam has ever lent on.

_Mom_ is Jody as she lets them into her house, eat all her chicken and mash potatoes, and forces them to have awkward conversations with teenagers about sex. _Mom_ is also when Jody gives them a small tired smile after a hunt, thanking him for saving someone's life.

Thanking him for being him.

_Mom_ is Bobby, when he was alive and calling them idgits in his affectionate way that really meant he wasn't that mad at them. _Mom_ was Bobby growling at him to drop the damn book and go to bed or he'd put his foot up Sam's ass. Which really meant he was worried they were working themselves too hard, and he cared for them. _Mom_ was losing Bobby, and the way neither him nor Dean cried, but they sat at the kitchen table for hours, confused and lost at what to do.

_Mom_ was Dad in a way, because he had to be both parents, with the absent of one, while never actually living up to either. _Mom_ was Dad on a hunt abandoning them for days, and Mom was Dad when he came back with a Christmas tree and presents, trying to savour the rest of the holiday season and get back in their good graces. It always worked. _Mom_ was Dad telling him his nightlight was stupid because it would simply attract more monsters then deter any, but _Mom_ was also Dad when he let him sleep in his bed at 3am when he was scared. Dad couldn't have been Mom if he tried, he didn't coddle, or sing, or tuck in, or read bed times stories, but he tried. Sam couldn't see that at first, but he can now.

Despite all these people, the good, the bad and the dead, _unfavourably, t_ hese people have created this inane, dysfunctional family that Sam's sure a shrink would lock him away for. But to Sam this is family, this is what _Mom_ means to him.

Sam's never claimed to be normal, he knows he's two stirs away from the crazy farm, he doesn't need anyone telling him his definition of family is fucked up.

He knows he's fucked up, _thanks._

Mostly however, _Mom_ means Dean.

Sam doesn't want to give Dean too much credit if he's being honest, his surly, brass, cranky, stubborn and a whole bunch of really terrible things sometimes. That's just his personality if Sam's being honest, he hasn't even gotten to things like _hygiene_ or _manners._

But at the end of the day, the only consistency in Sam's life is Dean. Dean has been there from the start, and by god will he will be there till the end. Dean is the only person he wants to wake up too and know is okay. He's the only person he wants to make him feel better while also hiding that he's upset because he'll worry.

Dean has been Sam's rock since he was checking under his bed for monsters at 6, and then saving him from Lucifer at 30. Dean has done nothing for the entire duration of Sam's life but save his behind and make him feel as safe as possible, if that isn't what a Mom means then he's not sure what else it could _possibly_ be.

Dean has fed him soup when he's sick, wrapped him in blankets when his cold, put him to bed when he refused to, heck Dean even sang to him when he couldn't sleep when he was 8.

Dean saves his behind every other case, and has _actually_ rescued him from death, multiple times.

Dean makes fun of him for liking nerdy things, while offering to go to said nerdy things if he asks. He makes fun of him on long car rides while singing along to their favourite songs together.  Dean pranks him while he's bored, but threatens to kill Gabrielle when he does the same thing.

Dean lets him be him, lets him use his shoulder as a pillow if he's tired, lets him rant about things, lets them have their own little safe space.

Dean makes sure he's always got something Green to eat when he scoffs at it disgustingly while he eats a bacon burger, but always makes sure he's happy.

Dean always makes sure he's happy before he settles down to enjoy what he's doing.

Dean has been his rock, his consistent, his protector, his best friend for 30 years. The world Family is a synonym with Dean, as well as Dad and Mom, and Brother.

Sam doesn't have a _Mom._ He's never had a _Mom_.

But he does have a Dean.

He thinks that's doing alright to be honest.

-/-/-/-/-

Sam's sitting at the table, going over some old Men of Letters book but not really taking any of the words in if he's being honest. He does this a lot, there always feels like there are a million things on his mind, but this morning he's finding it harder to concentrate than usual.

 Only because Mary is sitting across him going through some books as well, and ever since she's come back Sam hasn't really been able to relax fully in her presence.

Not that he's afraid of her, or doesn't trust her or something ridiculous like that. It's far more embarrassing then any of those things really.

He's just not sure how to act around her. He's never ever had to and now she's here, _his mother in the flesh_. More beautiful and graceful then he could have ever imagined, while simultaneously being this awesome badass.

Sam's in awe.

But he doesn't know what to do around her, doesn't know how to act.

Most of the time he feels like a fumbling idiot, a child again who doesn't know when it's his place to speak. He feels 13 again where his limbs were too big for his body and he was awkwardly gangling around.

He feels like an idiot, he feels like a man child not sure what to say.

He wants to come across as fearless and brave, _strong._ Someone she can be proud of _,_ someone she is proud.

Whenever he looks at her though he shrinks into himself blushing sheepishly, because every time she looks him in the eye he wants to cry and have her wrap her arms around him telling him it'll be okay.

It's becoming a serious problem that Sam doesn't know how to deal with.

If Lucifer was here still (in his head, not _here here_ ) he's sure he would make fun of him so bad for acting like such a loser. Not like that arch angle could really be the one to talk about _parental issues_ , but he would somehow still manage to.

He knows she feels as awkward as he does, maybe even more. Her 4 year old and infant are literally towering men now, the last thing she did to Sam was put him in a crib and sing him goodnight.

It must feel weirder for her, probably.

Sam's usually pretty good at taking the cake for weird though.

She peeks up at him and finds him staring at her, he blushes sheepishly and goes back to his book muttering a sorry.

He hears her chuckle fondly, and nibble at her toast.

Maybe she's adjusting better than him.

"Sammy! Do we need more coffee?"

A bombing voice echoes through the kitchen and Sam visibly relaxes at his brothers brass and loud tone, Dean Sam can deal with. Dean makes Sam feel comfortable, even when he's making fun of him or telling him off. Dean is something Sam can handle.

"Nah we're good for now, pots on already," Sam replies easily.

He can feel Dean hover above him, rest both hands on his shoulders and squeeze gently, probably smiling at their mom and not even noticing the contact he's giving Sam.

 Sam relaxes into the touch, relaxes into his brothers cologne and realises he breathes easily for the first time this morning.

"Probably have to do some shopping eventually," Sam says, righting himself when Dean moves to the coffee pot, aware of the stare his Mom is giving them.

"But for now we have eggs, I'm cooking. Mom have you eaten? How do you like them, scrabbled, fried or poached?" Dean asks while setting up the kitchen.

Mary thinks about this for a moment, "I'll never say no to eggs, Fried please." She smiles.

Dean grins widely at her, "Coming up,"

"I'm not hungry," Sam says even though he knows fighting is futile, the same way he knows Dean is cooking because he's aware Sam's been up for hours without eating.

"You don't get a choice," Dean replies without missing a beat.

Mary catches Sam's gaze and he flatters under it.

He just scoffs at Dean and Dean throws a dish cloth at him without taking his eyes off the eggs and hits Sam square in the face. Sam throws it back childishly but Dean catches it effortlessly.

Now when he finds Mary staring at him he blushes, going back to the book and actually trying to take in the words.

He can hear Dean and their Mom talk aimlessly for a while, but its background noise as he tunes it out in favour for the book which actually might have something in it about the Men of Letters that could be useful.

Before he can really understand it though the book is being taken away from under him and replaced with a plate of scrambled eggs and toast cut in triangles.

His favourite.

"Hey!" He says undignified anyway and tries to snatch the book back but Dean holds it easily out of his reach. Only because he's sitting down and Dean's other hand is forcing him to sit still Sam thinks bitterly. Sam's not above using his height as an advantage.

 What feels like the _only_ advantage he has over his brother.

"Eat," Is all Dean says as he takes a seat next to Mary and they both start eating their own breakfast.

"There's something in there that is going to help us figure out the Men of Letters," Sam argues while Dean just shrugs.

"And you can find it later, you're on a _3 Hour Ban_." Dean replies mouth full as he points his fork at his little brother which Sam scowls at.

_3 Hour Bans_ started when Sam was doing the trials and stayed up all night trying to research despite almost dying. Like that's anything new.

When Dean thought he was researching too hard he'd make Sam have what he called a _3 Hour Ban_ , which was to always include food, shower, change of clothes and if possible a nap. Then he could go back to the books.

Sam hates napping. Dean knows this.

Dean hasn't tried to enforce one in a while, they've been busy and generally better with their heath as of late.

But Sam hasn't been sleeping amazingly lately, which has _nothing_ to do with their mom across the hallway, and Dean can obviously tell Sam got 2.6 hours of sleep last night and opted to keep reading.

"Dean," Sam starts but isn't even sure what to say, particularly with his mom eyeing him down like that. Truthfully he is hungry and he does need a shower. A really long one.

Dean shrugs, and waits for Sam to say something else but he just shrugs, he can't be bothered fighting. Not when Dean is clearly in such a good mood.

"Fine," He sighs dramatically and starts devouring his eggs.

They talk about nothing for a bit, until they're all finished and Mary offers to clean up because she didn't cook.

When she takes the plate Dean turns to him, "Hey, so that new Star Wars movie came out the other day. I thought we could go see it later,"

He's acting nonchalant and easy, like he's merely suggesting it because he saw it advertised. Not because it's Sam's _favourite series of all time_ (he had a really embarrassing Star Wars phase) and it will be a way to get Sam to relax.

He looks at Dean sceptically, "We've got a lot to do Dean, we don't have time for a movie." He reasons.

Dean scoffs, taking a sip of his juice, "Evil will still be there tomorrow Sammy."

Sam wants to sigh, he really does because that's the problem with their job isn't it.

Evil will always be there tomorrow. And the night day. And 10 years from now.

Instead he grins slightly, "Yeah alright. Long as you promise not to make fun of it after," He laughs and gets up to help Mary.

"Wouldn't dream of it Sammy," Dean says but they both know he will.

"Do you need some help?" Sam asks trying not to be awkward, she might frighten the living day out of him still but he would never not try to help out.

She waves him off easily, "Course not, I can wash some dishes."

She cleaning a plate with the dishcloth, leaning against the counter as she stares at Sam fondly, like him asking to help out has given her the permission she was after to stare at him. Suddenly Sam feels very self conscious, wishing he was anywhere else.

"Um, Mom?" He asks awkwardly.

"Sorry," She giggles, "It's just, I didn't realise how tall you'd be. Both of you, obviously. But Sam I never thought you'd grow this big."

He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly, hoping his face isn't as pink as it feels. Most of the time he likes his height, for his job it works really well. Scaring people, getting them to listen to him.

Sometimes though he wishes he was slightly shorter, he can tower over people making the situation uncomfortable for everyone. He's been known to slouch to make it more bearable, but Dad always used to scold him for it, telling him to stand proud.

Thankfully, Sam doesn't have to say anything and Dean cuts in with a laugh, "You should have seen him as a teenager. All gangly limbs and no where to put them. You were like a baby deer."

Okay so that didn't get any better, but at least he can glare at Dean.

"Dean," Mary chastises lightly, "I'm sure you were a very handsome teenager Sam."

This conversation is not getting any better for Sam if he's being honest, "Thanks Mom,"

"We have photos, not many but I'm pretty sure I can find one of Sam in a dress,"

Sam frowns while Mary laughs, "I'd like that."

Sam's like 96 percent sure Deans lying, but he never likes to take his chances.

He dares a glance at Mary to find her smiling at him softly, but can't manage to hold it for long. Instead he looks to Dean, who is also grinning at him far too fondly. Sam rolls his eyes, this he can handle, this he is used to.

"Hey Mom," Sam says while still keeping eye contact with Dean, "Did Dean ever tell you about the time he set his eighth grade teachers dress on fire?"

Dean looks scandalized at Sam and Mary laughs out loud.

"Really?"

"No," Dean says quickly and turns to Sam evilly, "Did Sam tell you about the time I caught him and a random girl from a bar in the backseat of the Impala, a year ago!"

"Dude!"

"I thought that's what we were doing, _sharing_."

"Not that," Sam stresses and he knows he's turning a lovely shade a pink.

That's just embarrassing, he was a grown man caught in the back seat of his brothers car. Not his finest moment.

"Sam," Mary tries to scold but she's hold back a grin which just makes him more embarrassed.

Deans laugher booms through the kitchen as he places both hands on Sam's shoulders and digs in gently. A gesture he's done for years, his _it's okay Sammy I'm here while also ripping the shit out of you_.

His, its okay as long as I'm the one doing it, I'd kill anyone else who tried. Sam doesn't like how at ease it puts him.

"On that note I'm going to get some food, liquorice anyone?" Dean grins and Sam scoffs,

"Tastes like dirt," He mumbles which he is not proud of, Dean squeezes his shoulders tighter and his ears tint pink.

"Yes peanut butter and banana it is Jerk. Any requests Mom?" Dean asks.

"No, whatever is fine," Mary replies, putting away dishes. Sam doesn't like the way she's looking at them though, contemplatively, intense.

With that Dean leaves and suddenly Sam is stuck in the same awkward position he was trying to get out of this morning, alone with his mom.

He fiddles with something on the table and rubs his neck awkwardly, he probably looks like an awkward teenager trying to talk to a teacher he's afraid of. He would like the floor to swallow him up whole please.

"He really looks after you, doesn't he?" Mary asks and Sam snaps his head up.

He'd been expecting a lot of things, but it wasn't that.

"Oh, um yeah I guess. We look out for each other," Sam replies, leaning against the table awkwardly.

She sighs loudly, like that isn't what she's trying to get at.

"But, he really looks out for you. Does he always do that?" She asks.

Sam shrugs, "Well, yeah. He's my big brother, he's been doing that for as long as I remember. And you know, the last few years have been tough. We've gone through some weird stuff. We adapt."

She nods slowly, "Whenever I think of you, alone like that as a baby. Having to defend for yourself without a mother, it breaks my heart and I just feel so guilty for leaving you."

She's getting chocked up as she says it and Sam isn't sure what to say, so he doesn't say anything.

"But it makes me feel a bit better, knowing you had Dean."

"I've always had Dean," Sam replies instantly and in that moment it hits him like a gunshot how real those four words truly are, "He's always been there for me, even when he shouldn't have been."

She looks distressed, "I'm so sorry Sam."

Sam takes a deep breath in, trying to compose him self, he doesn't need to lose it while trying to make her feel better "Don't apologise, it's not your fault. It will never be your fault. Dean and I, we'll never blame you for what happened. And you've never had to worry about me, I've had Dean."

She smiles, "What about Dean? Should I worry about him?"

Sam laughs, "Maybe. But for other reasons like why he has a weird obsession with liquorice and why he consumes more Pie then humanly possible. Not for who he is, you should be proud of him. He's been looking after me my whole life. I'll never say it again, but he is for all purposes my everything and sometimes my anything. You should be proud of him, I am."

Mary smiles with so my heart it hurts to look at her, but he holds her gaze as she approaches him and pulls him down for a hug. He feels like it should be awkward, but it's anything but as she holds him close.

When she pulls away he smiles at her because he knows that what she wants.

He doesn't tell her that while her arms feel safe, and warm and like all the things he assumes a mother's arms should be, he'll never feel as safe in them as he does in Deans.


End file.
